randomlycee

As you take a well-deserved rest, chow down on the cafe's new special of vegan hot dogs (some with the stems still on), and tell one another stories of your strange adventures, you catch bits of Gary and Harvey's conversation with the professors. It seems the dinosaurs were researching dimension-hopping and time travel, voyaging hither and yon through space-time until their portal-opening machine ran low on energy and they decided to retire in this world. They’re excited to work with the professors to reactivate and refuel their machine – both to continue their journey, and get you back into the world you belong.

Soon, the inventors finish their napkin blueprints and go outside to start tinkering. From the windows you watch the setting sun turn the skies gold, then red, and try not to fret about how long it's taking.

Before the last of the daylight vanishes, the X-ray machines come to fetch you. You go outside to the Shoulder Dragon Cafe’s own garden, and illuminated by fairy lights is… a giant field of dirt! "Oh no," someone groans. "Not more digging!"

"No, no," Fuzang says with a laugh. "We used the golem-dirt to generate enough magical energy to power the machines. All you have to do is stand on it."

That's when you notice the giant metal structure encircling the dirt and raising it above the actual garden. Its towers and wires fizz and crackle with green, red, purple, and yellow sparks.

You're a little nervous about letting this strange device zap you, and you hesitate. "We'll go first!" Harvey says, stepping onto the square with Gary at his side. "Go ahead, Fuzang!"

Fuzang flips a switch, and the sparkles intensify until you have to cover your eyes. There's a flash, and the light fades. When you can see again, the brachiosaurs... are gone!

"Bon voyage!" Professor Zzt says fondly. "All right, you adventurers, up you come! The game day is almost done!"

Summoning all your courage, you crowd onto the dirt circle. There's just enough room for everyone. As the lights begin to sparkle, you wave farewell to all your new friends. How odd that you only knew them for a day, and yet it feels like weeks.

You hold the hands of the people next to you and take a deep breath as Professor Fuzang activates the machine once more.

✨✨✨

The light clears and you're standing outside the Shoulder Dragon Cafe — the real one. You try to bring up the game interface and nothing happens. There's no constant tinny background music. You're back!

As you all cry and hug, someone says, "Hey, when did they install a gas lamp? That's cool."

It's true: in the gathering dusk, you see a flickering gas lamp outside the Cafe. Its light is warm and welcoming.

"I bet we're just in time for dinner," you say, opening the Cafe door. It feels wonderfully solid and real to the touch.

But when you step inside, it's not the Cafe you remember. Some hot pots are being heated by shoulder dragons, but others are being stirred by automata. And there are dinosaurs everywhere: large and small, feathered and scaled. Gary and Harvey are lounging at the big central table, sipping pints of beer through extremely long straws. Oddly, the dinosaurs are all wearing or carrying human accessories; Gary acquired a top hat somewhere, and Harvey is sporting a monocle the size of a dinner plate. Some are wearing human clothes, too, and they range from fully living to fully mechanical. One velociraptor looks particularly fabulous in a green bustle dress that shows off her triple-jointed mechanical arms.

"Welcome home!" Gary cries. "Isn't it good to be here?"

"This, uh..." You look around. "This isn't our home."

"No, it's our home!" Harvey says, as though it should have been obvious. "We thought you'd like it better than whatever place you're from, no offense. We've traveled all through space and time and this is really the best dimension of them all."

You cough diplomatically, not wanting to anger two enormous mechanical dinosaurs that could crush you with one stomp of their giant feet. "I'm sure it's very nice, but—"

Just then, the velociraptor in the green dress hurries over. "Pardon me," she says, "but are you Gary and Harvey Humid-Wetson, the famous consulting dinotectives?"

"We are," Harvey says. A cloud of steam proudly puffs out from his chest. He's clearly pleased to be recognized.

"I'm so glad I found you!" The velociraptor dabs her eyes with a lace handkerchief, somehow not snagging it on her razor-sharp steel claws. "I'm Miss Louisa Jane Warblefeather, and I'm desperately in need of your help."

"Indeed?" Gary droops his head down so he can hear her over the noise of the crowd. "A pleasure to meet you, Miss Warblefeather. And how fortunate that we have some visiting colleagues who may be able to assist us in assisting you."

When you first set out on your sea voyages, you knew you wouldn't see home again for a long time. And you don't need to look at your companions to know their ears are perking up. In every universe, it seems that the Shoulder Dragon Cafe is the place where stories start — and you're storytellers through and through.

You take a seat next to Harvey, and your companions gather round. As Miss Warblefeather begins her tale of woe, you put on a solemn expression even though you find yourself wanting to smile. Embarking on a new adventure feels like a different sort of coming home. You can't wait to see what happens next.

NEXT YEAR: BATTLESHIP STEAMPUNK EDITION

Main Collection

Grape Collection | Lemon Collection | Pear Collection | Strawberry Collection

Congratulations, everyone! Take a gander at this year’s game-wide stats – you’ve created over 3700 works, and posted over 6 million words of fic and podfic!

If you were on Team Pear or Team Strawberry, you can claim a tag for next year. If you were on Team Grape or Team Lemon and you completed two or more treats between the end of the game and the end of the anon period, you can claim a tag for next year. If you completed a line in your rare tag bingo card by the end of the anon period, you can claim a tag for next year. These claims stack! Please claim your tags here. If you believe you should have a tag claim but aren’t listed in the spreadsheet, please reach out to the mods.

Tag suggestions for Battleship 2026 will open sometime on September 1. Tag claims and tag suggestions will both close on December 1 at 11:59 PM EST (December 2 at 4:59 AM UTC). The timeline for tag claims and suggestions is shorter than in past years to give us additional time to build puzzles and determine the game structure.

Additionally, starting next year, players will need to complete at least one work during a round of Battleship or its anon period, or complete a make-up treat, to sign up the following year. Players will also need to complete at least one work by the end of the anon period to claim any tags. This year, players who did not submit any works during Battleship 2025 or the anon period will need to post at least one treat to sign up next year. The treat should be posted by the account signed up for Battleship 2025; if the username has since changed, or if you are unable to access that account, please email battleshipexchange@gmail.com to let us know. The deadline to qualify to participate in Battleship 2026 is June 1, 2026.

Finally, we welcome feedback about any part of Battleship 2025! Please provide feedback through this Google Form, or email your thoughts to battleshipexchange@gmail.com. The form includes questions about different aspects of the game, and a general section for other feedback. Please fill out as few or as many sections as you like. We’re also looking for people to help make Battleship happen: improving rules, developing spreadsheets, approving works, moderating Discord, and more! If you’re interested, fill out the section in the feedback form to let us know.

Thank you to team captains, first mates, neutral mods, and everyone who created works, coordinated strategy, boosted team energy, and made the Battleship Discord such an awesome place to be. You're all amazing!

Your X-ray machine rolls up to you. Peeking out from under its lemony helmet is a big yellow button that says “PRESS ME!” Naturally, you press the very inviting button.

Back at the Shoulder Dragon Cafe, Gary looks up from where he is drawing a schematic on extra-large napkins when the fairy spark-communicators and similar devices glimmer and ring. He’s already rushing out the door even before the professors, running behind him, can give him the good news.

The rest of you follow to find yourselves on another well-dug garden. The dragon, spark-sprite, and bearded man are talking excitedly to a woman decked in yellow shibari rope – apparently the last of their archaeological colleagues. The X-ray machines trundle over as well… and attached to them are wagons full of more components! You notice the scent of grapes mixing with the lemon in the air.

With some help and some annoying interference from the professors, the pterodactyl fairies put the machine components together, creating another enormous mechanical brachiosaurus. They sprinkle him with fairy dust and flutter back as he begins to move, first slowly, then lifting his head in sudden alarm. "Gary!" he shouts in a rusty voice. "Gary, where are you?"

Thunderous footsteps shake the ground, and Gary skids to a stop next to the newly awakened dinosaur. "Here I am, my love!" he cries.

"Baby!"

"Sweetheart!"

You sniffle happily as their necks entwine to form an enormous heart.

"Ta-ta, time bubble!" the Lemon Pucker’s visiting Professor says as she wipes a tear from her eye. "But that means we have to work quickly. Once the game day is done, the game will reset, and you'll have to play all these levels over again."

The sun is setting over the cafe. You try not to panic. The last thing you want is another day of digging.

"Come back to the Shoulder Dragon Cafe," the Professor says, her warmth reassuring. "With Gary and Harvey's help, I'm sure we’ll be able to send you home."

TEAM LEMON HAS COMPLETED BOARD 3!

ALL TEAMS HAVE COMPLETED ALL BOARDS!

The Lemon Continuation collection will be revealed in 24 hours, on August 9, 2025 at 2:00 AM Eastern Time! To prevent works from being stuck unrevealed, both the Lemon and Lemon Continuation collections will temporarily close to new works for 24 hours.